Being Present.

This is a trend that has become a constant in my life. I don’t just mean the act of choosing to live via my cell phone rather than in reality. I’ve noticed that I’ve started to reenact this behavior in my mind. When something that my mind registers as good occurs, rather than living in the moment, my mind checks the box next to this item on my mental checklist. I’ve noticed that I don’t feel a sense of peace, but rather an unnatural emptiness. As if on cue, I am filled with a wave of anxiety to remind me that my mind is ready for the next good event to occur. How do I remind my mind that the occurrences of my life don’t function on the same scrolling timeline as my for-you page?

I found myself on a path of productivity. But after weeks of feeling exhausted for no reason and feeling unsatisfied after the triumphs of success, I’ve been questioning this pattern. Is this a productive cycle? Or is it the allowance of societal expectations (of constant productivity) to appear as a successful individual, unconsciously at the root? This came to me after a gut-wrenching interaction I didn’t know I needed. 

An interaction that opened my eyes to the kind of energy that not only was I still allowing in my life, but the energy I was giving the power to influence me. Energy I was giving the authority to judge whether what I was doing was "right" or "wrong." Perhaps there is no right or wrong, there is simply the reality of something working or not working. In order to make something work you must not only be confident in what it is you are doing, but you must be willing to have your own back when others fail to. You must have the confidence to stand in your own power or behind your crazy ideas especially when others see them as just that, crazy. 

While my actions aligned authentically with what I wished to accomplish and believe in...I stopped believing in myself. Suddenly I could hear all of the daunting comments and feelings others had about my passions that I had previously been able to effortlessly tune out. I was walking to the beat of my own drum, but suddenly the band decided it was time for a break with no notice. The concerns became audible and suddenly I too was intimidated by my own gigantic dreams looming over me. I was ripped out of my dream realm and spit onto the pavement of reality like a piece of gum. I allowed every harsh opinion or voice of concern to further squash me into the ground. I was stuck. Numb, and emotionally paralyzed, it was as if I had an emotional balloon someone took a needle to. Someone I trusted. Now, I was intoxicated from breathing the hot air originating from my "supporters" concerns.

I was around people who instead of realizing that we uplift one another by uplifting one another...didn't know there's room at the top for everyone. 

As my agent would say,

"There's plenty of room for everyone at the top, it's down here where it's crowded and we get caught throwing elbows to claim space." 

Instead of being encouraged or having people in my inner circle who felt genuinely interested and excited for me, I was dragged down out of fear I would be out of their reach. In the name of being authentic, I'm going to be real with you. I am extremely confident in myself. I wasn't always and it took a lot of work to get to this state of being. Being confident in your mindset and self also doesn't guarantee you will constantly FEEL confident. Confidence is more than belief in yourself, it's an understanding of yourself. I know myself. I know how my mind likes to think and I'm aware of how to get it back on track when it wants to steer me off the road. I understand there's no such thing as perfection. We are all human, we all have our quirks and we all make mistakes. I've learned how to hold myself accountable and then forgive myself. I must forgive myself to allow myself to learn from my mistakes. 

Confidence doesn't equate to a lack of insecurity or self-criticism. I became aware that my insecurities revolve around the capability of being loved or even liked by others. Just a few years ago I would be down for the count if I was aware someone disliked me or disapproved of something I did or liked. As I've done my inner work I've realized we're all just human and we vary in taste and even the personalities of people we enjoy the presence of. Where I've struggled is my close personal relationships and the fear that maybe it just isn't possible for someone to fully love me. So I refrained from fully being myself. Maybe I'm simply too much, too difficult...or even too crazy. We all are a little "crazy" right? Especially in love. This is where passion comes from, this is what makes love so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I noticed this as a recurring pattern in my life and decided to do something about it. I decided to fully embrace my authentic self no matter how scary, uncomfortable, and seemingly self-exposing, and no matter how others felt about it. I saw that I had altered myself to fit the mold of someone society would approve of. Someone the other person would like, even if it meant who they liked wasn't genuinely me. I noticed how I became quiet when my opinions variated from those around me. I realized how small I had shrunk myself to "get out of the way" of others. Through my actions maybe I'd transformed myself into someone that was easily digestible and small enough for those around me to accept, but I stepped into my own way. I could no longer make eye contact with the woman in the mirror because deep down I knew I was doing her a disservice. I was so wrapped up in the fear that no one else would have my back that I stopped having my own.

Inner growth, compassion, and the ability to not only be aware of the things that you are and are not okay with is a process. Knowing something may not be right for you and having the power to disengage from it doesn't always happen overnight. It's a daily process and uphill battle. But each day this battle becomes easier and one day you will look back and see just how far you've come. This goes back to being present and having patience with yourself and the universe's larger plan for you.

 “A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.”

 -Greg Reid

I’m not where I want to be yet, but that doesn’t mean I will never get there. This also doesn't mean I have to be unhappy with where I am now! Perhaps it's time I take my own advice and recognize big dreams don't come to fruition overnight. But it also means that I don’t have to live in my now miserable and anxious state, anticipating how my future will unfold. I do not have to spend this time pretending to be someone I am not and it is not my job to uphold an image of myself that is not authentic to me. I find myself connecting with a multitude of professionals who have found comfort in realizing we are walking an unpaved path, with it you must expect the unexpected. Just don't stop walking. I trust that the tiny wins each day will continue cultivating the path to where I’m meant to be in life. I’m thankful for the new knowledge I obtain each day—the little things that make me smile, like playing ball with Rocky. My mind is still participating in a game of catch-up when reflecting upon working my first fashion week last September. I'm signed with an amazing mother agency who have not only opened the doors to amazing opportunities but has my back. I’m thankful for the local businesses that have opened their hearts to me from a young age until now. I’ve noticed that while I’m over the moon for the opportunities leading to my dreams, I feel so much love and happiness from the things in my direct reality now, which isn’t exactly what I’m sharing online. I’m knocking down the inauthentic barrier between us. There will still always be a haze, considering I can’t exactly show you all the aspects of my life, but I want to be real. I’d like to begin in the present moment.

On social media, I want to show up as her, my best self. But every day, I am still evolving to become her in reality. Maybe I'm not at the height of my career or living all of my dreams on a daily basis yet, but I’m extremely thankful for where I am in my journey. I am gracious to be in environments with the opportunity to soak up as much education and experience as I can. I do not believe there’s a cut-and-dry path to success, especially in fashion. In such a creative yet competitive career, it’s presumptuous to assume we all travel the same journey to achieve various successes. If we could all just wake up to the life of our dreams, what would be the magic of dreaming? The magic is when the moment you never thought would come arrives.